Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Day 13

Day 13- A letter to someone....

Dear God,

I want you to know that I still know you exist, I have been thinking alot about you lately and as you probably know I am having some serious internal issues about religion. I am sorry that I (once again) have probably let you down. I am giving 100% of myself everyday to my patients, trying to "earn" some points by being a "servant" of yours in helping people cross the veil to your side of things. I have FELT things when people pass away, I FEEL your presence and your spirits although I may not see them, the peaceful feeling in so wonderful that I know there are better things after this life. That feeling is what keeps me believing in you and not the "scientific" aspect of the world.

Thank you so much for my children, I honestly BELIEVE that you gave them to me at certain points in my path to help keep me grounded on what I needed to be doing. Thank you for my short marriage to Andrue, without him I would not have such a wonderful family who still to this day loves me and considers me one of their own. Thanks (and God willing I will type this) for bringing David into my life.... I would not have Caeden without him and my life would not be complete without my son. I learned MANY lessons being married to David, some easy and some I am still paying the price for- but I will learn from ALL of them and move forward, being a better person.

God please help me to continue being a good mother, give me the patience that I need to get through every day. Please give me the knowledge and strength to be there for Brynlee, she needs her mom to teach her and get her through lifes obstacles and become a woman of integrity. Please give me the compassion to talk her through some things that she will face, please give me the right words at the right times to explain my mistakes and teach her the RIGHT way to do things. Brynlee is my BIGGEST worry in my life, I want the world for her and do NOT want her to make the same mistakes I have. I want her to find a man to love her and treat her with respect and allow her to become the woman she wants. I want better for her than looking for love in all the wrong places like me..... please guide her little heart and help me to teach her.

God please give me the strength to continue helping my friends and family, as you know I carry alot of their problems on my shoulders. Please watch over my Mom and Kaleb and Shaylee- I also want the best for them.

Thank you God for sending Boyd into my life when you did.... I would be lying in a deep dark hole if it werent for him holding me up. Thank you for giving me the strength and stubborn streak to get me through the last five years of life. You will be the only one to ever know the hell I was living in.... and how wonderful my life now is. Thank you for giving me the knowledge, compassion and integrity to take care of people during their last days, I truly LOVE my job and that means so much as I leave my children for work everyday. Please let all my little patients that have passed on know how much I miss seeing them and how much I love them- they know who they are!

Thank you for allowing me to be alive! Thank you for my children, friends, family, co-workers and all the other wonderful people I meet everyday. Please be with those in Japan and all over the world who are not as fortunate as I. Watch over those in need and send peace into the hearts of my friends/family that may need it. Forgive me for doubting you, I dont really, just need answers sometimes and someone to blame when things aren't going well. I will continue to serve you by being a nurse and giving my service to those in need, whether I ever step foot in a church again will remain to be seen..... but dont give up on me please.

I believe.

I have faith.

Just confused and hurt by some who dont know better.

Help them as well, they are the ones who I should be praying for the most.


  1. Oh Ash, I just love you! Don't listen to anyone that "doesn't know better". I honestly believe that judging others is far worse than many other things. You are such a sweet person, and the best friend ever. I love you to death, and I am so happy that you have Boyd. Pray to your Heavenly Father. He knows your struggles. You are far more harsh on yourself than he will ever be. Love you Friend!

  2. That was beautiful Ashley. You are a great mom, your kids are lucky to have you! Same to Boyd and all your patients. Just remember God loves you and wants you to be happy. Hugs!